A fatal case of assholism…  

You know, I had heard that we (once again) missed out on the end of the world.  “Futurist” and conspiracy theorist David Meade became another YouTube celebrity with his theory that on Saturday, September 23^rd the mysterious planet Nibiru or maybe it was Cthulhu (My apologies, H.P. Lovecraft fans) was going to bang into the earth and destroy all.  Well, that didn’t happen. 

But at least it gave pause to people like me that wonder about the end of our world.  Eventually, of course, there will be an end of our world.  But, when we speak about THE BIG END, mostly we’re talking about the end of humanity, as opposed to the end of the earth. 

Chances are the earth will be here for a long time, save an apocalyptic collision with a planet-sized meteor, a cross-orbital encounter with Mars or Venus, or when the sun finally flashes out as it becomes a red-giant, sometime five billion years into the future. 

Nope, we’re talking about the absence of humanity from existence.  I believe this result will come much sooner than the destruction of our planet.  Of course, you’ve probably seen or at least heard of all the ways thee may parish….  War, disease, natural disaster, and all the rest….many in Technicolor apocalyptic science fiction movies.

However, I firmly believe we will all meet our untimely demise because of a fatal case of assholism.  Of all the isms in the world, this one appears to be the most virulent and dangerous.  Now, assholism certainly seems to be on the rise in many corners of the world. 

Of course, in order to look into the meaning of assholism, one must understand the asshole as a whole….. (Thank you, thank you very much).  It, of course all begins with the ass.  

Now, being a big butt man from way back, I can certainly appreciate the pleasantly rounded orbs of a woman’s behind.  Now, frankly, I’ve tried studying the sexual significance of the butt… why men seem to find it attractive.  Most people do not like to discuss it, even to the point of me slapped hard across the face. 

Many women also seem to enjoy a good-looking butt on a man.  I’m not sure what qualifies as good looking.  “Round, tight and muscular,” are descriptions I have heard.  Of course, I don’t know why anyone would need muscles in their butt… sitting is done with or without a well-toned behind… and obviously one does not lift weights with their butt.

Honestly, the only reasons one has a butt is that your ability to bend, walk and sit all require a large hinged part of your skeleton to be on the lower section of your body.  (Having a butt on your shoulders would be cumbersome at best…)  The other, major reason you have a butt is that other reason….

Therefore, we get to the hole of the ass, the ass hole.

Now, the anus or -for our purposes of this exposition- ass hole is not just a hole, it is a sphincter muscle, which is really a good thing.  If you didn’t have a sphincter, it would be impossible to ever wear pants… every time you would have to void wastes, you’d just have to stop, drop and plop.  Not a pleasant aspect, for sure.  The sphincter muscle holds the waste (That’s poop) until it is full enough and with help from you, it leaves your body. 

Since having colon cancer years ago, I have great respect for the amazing abilities of the human body.  You put in food (Energy) in the top… and through gravity and coordinated muscle movements this food is used to supply your body with nutrients and energy as it moves from the upper GI to the lower GI tracts.  All this, thanks to a body system that is, for the most part, self-regulated. 

Now, the anus has been known for other things too…  some have used it as a storage area to smuggle drugs or other contraband items into or out of places.  Others claim it has sexual properties which we will not go into here (badda bing! Oh, I’ve got a million of ‘em!). 

Personally, I don’t quite understand much of that sort of thing.  Again, after having stage 3-colon cancer, I have had Doctors, Nurses, cameras, probes, and surgical tools up there… and I found it not pleasurable in any sort of way.  I guess different strokes for….. ah, whatever… 

Suffice it to say an asshole is a good and necessary thing to have as a matter of biology. 

However having an asshole and being an asshole is a huge difference. 

Unfortunately, being an asshole (or the more polite term, ass hat… that, by the way is not a thing) is not a good thing.  Those type of assholes seem to be everywhere.  Almost from the moment you get up in the morning, there seems to be assholes hanging around. 

There is that special asshole that manages to sit on your bumper on the highway on your way to work.  Extra special points awarded to that asshole that passes you on the two-lane road and then a half a mile up the road stops to turn left in front of you.  One only hopes for an especially warm spot in hell for them.  Not to mention those whom pass in no passing zones going up a hill, as I have oft experienced on lovely highway A in Sauk County.  (After all, A is for AUTOBAHN). 

Now, being an asshole can be contagious.  This is how road rage happens.  One asshole cuts off another, and this anger management patient becomes an asshole by thinking they can play fast and Furious on the highway.  Death on the highway because people can’t stop being assholes.  

Then, of course we have the assholes whom we all know are assholes… Nazi’s, the KKK and ISIS for example.  Truly assholes.  They want to KILL people because they don’t like them.  ISIS are a bunch of ****** that are so chicken they can’t face their enemies one to one, so they have to blow innocent people up to make their point. 

Of course, Donald Trump doesn’t seem to mind Nazi’s too much (or the or KKK or Russians for that matter),  so that brings me to the next bunch:

Assholes as leaders of countries and nations:  These stretch as far back as history.  Nero was one…  Caligula, another.  Hitler, of course is a favorite, but not many people remember Mussolini during the same time, also a rather righteous a-hole. 

Yet, the list of modern heads of state could equal these in their determination to undermine humankind with their atrocities.  (looking at you, Russia…) 

Since I like to think the elected head of a country should reflect the residents within, it goes to follow then the Donald Trump is probably an asshole…. Now, I’m not saying that I know for a fact that the President of our country is, indeed, an asshole.  Yet, it certainly seems like many of the things he has done and said are asshole-like.  Sort of like the obnoxious uncle that comes to your wedding, gets snookered on brandy and then does the most obnoxious things and ends up ruining the party.  You just wish Uncle Donald would just quietly pass out in a corner somewhere and sleep it off.  Shut up, Donny… you’re an ASSHOLE! 

It seems like there are so many Americans that fit that description, and are damn proud of it too… which makes them ignorant assholes.  It's like they have head lice and proud of that fact. Yeah, us! 

Assholes are truly everywhere…  The one non-asshole thing they do is not discriminate.  They stretch across all geo-political and economic lines.  Many of the rich think the greater amount is poor and the poor think the rich hold the patent on assholism.  It’s not a race, folks.  Plenty of asshole-pie to go around. 

There are many female assholes that are on parity with men assholes (finally, equality!).  Nevertheless, I would be willing to bet my ass-hat there are probably more men than women, which fit the description.  It certainly seems that way, doesn’t it?

There are assholes of all ages, types, color, religion, and ethnic backgrounds.  From the asshole that takes up two parking spaces at the store, to the one that sends you spam emails.

Full disclosure:  There have been times in my life, if I’m to be completely honest here, when I…. yes, even me, have been an asshole too.  However, these days I try my best not to be, as I am very cognizant of such behavior, and sometimes I fail… but, I do try very hard every day to be just an okay, regular guy. 

I’ve recently noted that folks that do good work things….like… oh, work on your computers for a living say…. Should not be treated badly … because… well, they fix YOUR stuff.  In other words, the tech guy at your workplace can certainly out-asshole you by getting around to fix the computer you broke sometime around…….hmmm….. Christmas, or the apocalypse whichever comes first.  Jus’ sayin’.   (which is, by the way… a very asshole-ish saying). 

So, now I’m closing this missive by apologizing for all the assholes.   I’m sorry that I use this terribly crude term, but in today’s world, it seems to be the only thing the people hear; almost like we have assholes instead of ear-holes.   

Finally, I would like to believe that when Moses went to the mountain to receive God’s law, HE could have saved himself a bunch of work –at least one tablet - if he cut it down to just a few commandments:

Love each other. Period. No exceptions. 
Treat each other the way you would like to be treated.
Always look out for, and take care of each other.
Keep me in your heart, always.... for I am always with you. 
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.