Stages keep on changing... Stages keep on re-arranging, love

It’s never the things you think it’s going to be. Well, rarely never. But, the things that will get ya, never happen the way you expect. I guess life is made that way for a reason. Though I’m sure I have no idea why. 

Almost every plane that faces turbulence lands without incident. The chances you will be involved in a mass shooting are Infinitesimal, though growing by moment. Kidnapping, same. Car accident? Well, a bit better than mass shootings, but still small.

The chances the lump you feel is probably NOT cancer. Your wife is PROBABLY not cheating on you. And the raw hamburger you ate probably will not make you sick. But, you know. There is always that possibility. Always a possibility….

Now, for me. I’ve been a very lucky bugger. Even considering where I am at. I’ve survived lots of problems in my life: Health, heart, financial, and family. Without trying to brag too much; I’ve managed to put myself through school (twice), eke out a 23 year career doing the thing I love to do (fix stuff), loved many and been loved by many, been a lead singer / lead guitar player in a rock n’ roll band (how many of you can say that, huh?), traveled to many distant places including Paris, New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Canada and Mexico. Raised a very good man and someone I can be proud of, as a son. And most of all, been able to dodge many of the miseries people of my age now face. Somehow. It’s more than anything, by luck. Certainly not because I knew what the fuck I was doing.

Of course, there was the challenges too. Divorce. Both my parents’ death. Bankruptcy. Big heart aches. Incarceration. Fired from a job. Friends turning their backs on me. Friends using me for their own evil gains. Homelessness. Loneliness. Desperate loneliness.

Now retired, I have been enjoying the perks that can come with my new-found life: peace, serenity, slower pace, enjoyment of the little-er things. I can now take the time to enjoy the little things I missed so much, the birds in the trees… the grass… the neighbor saying hi as he walks out to the garbage dumpster. I can (if I so desire) wake up at the crack of daylight and watch the dark blues turn to purples and oranges, then reds, eventually to reveal the sun itself. The start of a new day. I can choose to sleep in, as a luxurious rich person might do on their every day.

It’s been an education. But also one fraught with problems. I think my biggest issue, and possibly one of yours too, is the fact that being in a “relationship” is downright nearly impossible these days. Not just for married peoples, but for those of us late comers. The tight ropes and egg-shells and impossible expectations placed upon a duo is, in itself, exhausting.

I know it’s old hat, but I really blame much of today’s media for much of the problems. At least the ones I’ve been facing. The idea that one’s dance card must be completely filled with “bucket list” items, I think, is asking too much. I know. I know… live for today and bother not the cost. Still, there is a cost. There must be a cost.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to live the fullest life you can. But, must every moment be filled with spectacle, with wonderment? Okay, maybe that’s the wrong question. If all is filled with wonder, then what is wonderful? When does wonderful become tiresome? When is much, too much? Is there no room for rest, relaxation, and breathing?

In any case, my awaking came on a Monday around noon. I’ll not disclose the particulars of the issue, but just to say that it led to a full-on blow out.

I happen to think very highly of her family. When her father passed, it struck me nearly just as hard as my own pops. As such, maybe as a late-comer, I’d like to think I was a part, or at least a small part of her family. That’s what apparently happens when you live together for some time.

Well, as the disagreement swelled between us, I realized that we... somehow… do not belong together at all. After all this time, we are diametrically different from each other. I, attaining Yoda-like substance, and she, like that of a bee… wanting to sample all the pollens possible from life. I, grounded. She, of the air.

No way that we can find an agreement on even the simplest of things anymore. It’s always more a battle or a negotiation. As a retired fella…and one that is tired of the fight…. I’m tired of negotiation. Can’t things just be? I guess not.

So, now I find myself at a familiar crossroads… what comes next? Are we going to continue to try and work it out and find a way to forge through the next years, together? Or, am I going to have to re-fire my life at my age and try to find the life I need by myself?