D.I.V.O.R.C.E   (War of the Roses)

Oliver Rose: I think you owe me a solid reason. I worked my ass off for you and the kids to have a nice life and you owe me a reason that makes sense. I want to hear it.

Barbara Rose: Because. When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

I have a friend that is going through a difficult divorce.  I would call that NEARLY ATYPICAL.  I’ve avoided the subject of divorce in this blog, even though it’s a topic that affects many of us.  It is a subject near and dear to my heart - Or, maybe a bit lower than that.  Many of us which have been through the “process” realize even if has been many years since the BIG D, it’s still brings up those icky feelings… sort of like an acid reflux attack. 

My automatic advice to anyone that is thinking about Divorce.  Don’t.  Try to find some way of working it out.  You have invested years, money and grey hairs in “getting this far.”  Perhaps you have raised or are raising children…. You have faced traumas, sickness, and sometimes even the other big D (death) together.  That’s what that whole…  “in sickness and in health” stuff is all about when you stood at the altar or judge.  And it’s not a little thing.  

A vow in front of your friends, family, and God is not something you take lightly.  And surprisingly it’s one of those points brought up in many wedding ceremonies, which many never really take the time to listen to. 

“and is commended of Saint Paul to be honourable among all men: and therefore is not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites, like brute beasts that have no understanding; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God; duly considering the causes for which Matrimony was ordained.”  (The Wedding ceremony from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer)

HOWEVER….   We are all decisively human, we make mistakes.  We screw up.  We mismanage.  We misinterpret.  What seemed like a good idea then is not so now.  Things have changed.  People have changed.  Jobs, families many things have changed. 

You try hard to tough it out.  You try your best to ‘fix’ the problems.  Then, there comes a point when you have to admit defeat and dissolve the marriage. 

Sometimes it can be when one or both have changed beyond recognizing each other.  For example, when one person grows, while the other remains rooted in the past. Sometimes, it can be more serious, like violence or addictions. 

Notice I did not say infidelity.  Having an affair in and of itself does not necessarily end a marriage.  It is a symptom of a much bigger issue.  That issue does need to be addressed, however, for a marriage to continue… because trust in each other is only possible in a loving relationship.  And trust… well, once broken can be hard thing to recover. 

Yet, continuous infidelity should never be tolerated…whether it be physical or emotional. 

Though there are a great many movies about the subject -  Hope Floats, Kramer vs. Kramer, Double Indemnity (wait, what?) -  But, for me the salve of all things DIVORCY is the movie The War of the Roses – 1989 starring Michael Douglas Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito. 

You may have seen the movie way back when it came out.  I have rediscovered the movie, through the book, and have led me to read books from one of my favorite book authors:  Warren Adler.  I read several of his works including Funny Boys, Trans-Siberian Express, and the Serpent’s Bite.  Highly recommended reading!

In the movie, the couple fall deeply in love and live their rather banal lives, being highly successful.  As divorce attorney Gavin (DeVito) relates:  They met, great…  they agreed on that.  House, car, boy, girl, puppy, kitty.  The poor bastards never had a chance…

https://youtu.be/5ebv3i_9Ltc

The movie follows a couple that oddly discovers they really do not like each other.  They decide they want a divorce.  The movie takes the separation through the initial stages… with one hiccup, the house.  They both decide they want the house.  In fact, the house is the thing. 

The movie takes a decidedly cartoonish turn, where they basically try to off each other (Spoiler alert: They accomplish this via a fall, plunging from the chandelier), in order to gain the upper hand.  I say cartoonish, though what I’ve heard in some quarters, it could almost be called: “normal.” 

Gavin: There are two dilemmas... that rattle the human skull. How do you hold onto someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?

So, back to Divorce thingy.  Here’s the deal.  Harking back to my own experience, I wish I could go back and be a little nicer, a little more understanding than I was.  Instead of treating each other so badly… and trust me, there is no more brutal enemy than a spouse that knows your most intimate details…I wish I could have treated it all a little more ZEN.  I know, it’s hard because when one wants to leave the other, it feels like a personal attack, or that you have in some way FAILED.  

Maybe that is the greatest letdown in the institution called marriage.  No ONE fails in life because a marriage is over, especially not these days.  The range of both single men and women towards success are so much more possible now than ever before.  There is even some scientific evidence to show that singles are just as happy (if not more so) than their married counterparts. 

If you live a “good life,” working, paying bills, a good parent (or a good parent to a pet) being relatively useful, and making the world better by small degrees…. Seems to me, you are a great success in the world.  You should be cheered and celebrated. 

I hope my friend will find their way through the jungle of sadness and bitterness…. Though it may take a very long time to get there.  A heart is a fractious thing…  but, I do believe once hurt, it tends to grow back…though slowly, it gets bigger and more generous than before.  That’s the problem with becoming a human being…  we live too shortly…. It takes nearly one life to figure out who the hell we are as a person in the world. 

By then, it’s getting mighty late.