Farmer John

http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/TheRealDirtonFarmerJohn.html

Just got done watching a feature on one of the off-digital channels. The feature is called "The Real Dirt on Farmer John." It is a feature about a movie about a Wisconsin Farmer by the name of John Peterson. His farm handed down to him from his hard-working father (whom bought the some 220 acres of land from poor sharecroppers during the depression).

It follows the life of John Peterson...from little boy helping his dad on the farm, after his father dies too soon, and through the turbulant 1960's (John became a "hippie farmer" going to Beloit college and turning his farm into a commune of sorts), during the terrible years of the 1980's where he lost everything...including most of his farm land.

It's a very tender portrait of a man caught in changing times... trying his best to eek out his life and his love for the land of his family. Very touching and amazing!

I found myself crying at how the "old timers" had tears in their eyes as they talk about the loss of the family farms and the "laying of the concrete in the ground..." the way the urban sprawl has taken away all the farmland they used to own.

One lady says it well: "They don't seem to really care about where their food is going to come from."

I highly suggest seeing it.... here is the site again:

http://life.gaiam.com/gaiam/p/TheRealDirtonFarmerJohn.html

But, baby it's COLD outside....

Yeah, so it's like 20 something below zero. Nothing works like it should at these temperatures. The car blew a fuse or two...no back lights at all. Finally found the trouble under the hood and fixed it myself (of course).

My son is crazy. He accidentally calls me last night (thinking I was someone named "Justin" or something like that)... and they are on their way to go out snowboarding! SNOWBORDING?? Ah, to be young and bullet proof again! I remember doing stupid crap like that too. Of course, that's why now my hands get so cold so easily... I had pretty severe frostbite on my hands when I was a youngster out tobogganing with my friends.

No school today or tomorrow in the Dells. This is more than okay with me, as I could get a whole lot of things accomplished....as long as the old "grey ghost" will start.

One thing that has not gotten cold is my awful affliction of horny-ness. Must be all this working out I've been doing lately.. but man!!! I'm sure it will all go away soon. Lots of cold showers, and songwriting is really helping.

Heart Like a wheel...Heart like a Stone... I've always been a Loner Alone..

So, there it goes.. Another relationship thingy. Gone!

I guess the problem has to be me. I think I drive them to it... that must be it!! I mean, every single relationship (with few exceptions) turn out almost exactly the same. Fiery deaths are they all!

Drunken and violent and awful.. They move on. I long for the shadow of my younger days. Good times...riding the farris wheel.. eating awful cheeseburgers... Driving to some destination... making love under the stars.

When does it become like the song Jack and Dianne? Oh yeah life goes onLong after the thrill of livin is gone

... Sometimes it feels so much like that. Here I am...Cheered by the fact I get my taxes back soon...and get to pay off one of my stupid loans?? THIS IS LIFE? What happened to Suzy Q in the back seat of the car?? Cruisin' and Boozn' (Nope... that's against the law, man!)... Watching that girl slowly...slowly lick that ice cream cone all the way down... ummm..yeah. The "Maybe Baby" thing. Seka. Hot Child in the City.

Only faded shadows of the boy I used to be. That's me now. I thought of myself as a great lover. A good man. A rock Star. Humphrey Bogart. Shane. Jack. Angus. All of them. But, none of them..exactly.

Now, I've quit the facebook thing...just because I realized (with a few exceptions) the only people I'm "friends" with.. are my ex-girlfriends!

I guess growing up and old has it's advantages. But tonight, it the deep dark coldness of another Wisconsin Below Zero night.. it's hard to see what they are.

How ABBA (And Bruce Springsteen) once saved my life...

(Picture of me standing on that exact point.. Pickeral Point Resort...Cir. 1972... where I turned my life around... a couple of times!)

A story that needs to be told..somewhere... in case I forget it all.

It was quite some years ago... maybe what? Ten years past now? And she has moved on.. and I have also moved on. But a story of love, hate, loss, jealousy, desperate feelings and suicidal thoughts.

Her and I had been battling each other for months..... years, more likely. We had broken up, re-united...broken up... reunited... and was on that downward, awful spiral again to the end of the relationship. Oh, there were outside influences...outside voices... outside pressures.

My mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer...and was declining in health. I took refuge in this new technology thing called the Internet. She took refuge in her friends and in her work. I took my pain into my playing of music... and was rewarded with many "groupie" women that wanted me (or...at least so I thought)... She was cold, and hard and at times treated my son and me as second class citizens in our own home. I was accusing, and awful.

It was all so awful. What started out as sort of a "storybook romance" hit upon the realities of real life... children and ex-husbands, and jealousy, and other outside voices, and family histories, and all the things that make up the human drama.

She took her children and left on day...the last day we were together... got in her car and backed out of the driveway...quickly.... I was left standing in the (apropos) pouring rain, crying and asking her to come back. She did not.

The days and weeks after my mothers' death were not easy ones, indeed. And the absence of HER was palatable. I had heard she had taken up with a "new guy"... I was instructed to clear out my belongings from what had been our house (apt).

I staying on my now deceased mother's couch, as I was the only one to dispose of her home and belongings; her many bills and settle accounts.

On one hot and unbearably humid Labor Day Weekend, my band was to play at the Hillsboro Annual Fireman's Festival. It was an annual fair held in the little Hamlet of Hillsboro, WI. At the end of the night... (still pretty inebriated, by the way)... I packed up my equipment, and headed back to my mother's trailer house (where I was staying...out of the way of HER and her new man).

I unpacked some of my band stuff, and loaded the car (a company car I was using at the time) with all the clothing I could find and headed north. I drove all night long, until I found a spot to pass out for a few hours before the dawn. Upon awaking, I continued North to Wausau and north of that... to a place called Pickeral lake area, just North East of Antigo, WI. Big fishing and recreational area.

I had no plan as I was driving north... but a plan started to hatch in my head. I was going to end the pain. I was going to kill myself. I formulated a plan that I would find a hardware store (abundant in the North Woods), purchase a shotgun, rent a cheap hotel room, and within... blow my brains out.

Bruce Springsteen's Tunnel of Love CD was playing all the while this plan was hatching. Every single song, every single note, every single anguished song were written as if in my very soul. Tunnel of Love. One Step up (Two Steps Back) . Brilliant Disguise. Valentine's Day. When you're alone (you're alone). Spare Parts (and broken hearts). All that Heaven Will Allow.... All of the songs held a magical quality that seem to speak to the very darkness in my heart.

I drove along planning my ultimate demise, all the while screaming the words along to the songs playing full blast on the CD player in the company car.

At first, I thought I would just drive North until I crossed over to the UP in Michigan, and the further north to Canada... ditching the car and getting lost in some small place in Canada. I decided I would just end it all... in a place where a few summers before HER and I held a very tender moment together, at a nice little spot called "Pickeral Point" resort.

A few summers before, we (HER and I) had visited the area...and I had taken her in my arms...and we kissed a very passionate kiss just as the orange ball of the sun was setting on the lake... Fireworks! wow. But now, I was driving to end it all at (or near) where we had kissed that kiss.

Without stopping at the hardware store, I made my way to the Pickeral Point Resort (which, by the way, is still there)... got out of my car, and headed inside for a beer (or several)... after awhile, I made my way outside, and out to the beach. I sat there beside the lapping water and had a long talk with God. I apologized for all the wrongs I had done.. I was crying, and sobbing...and then I heard the laughing and frolicking in the water of a whole bunch of little children behind me... they were making sand castles in the sandy beach... oblivious to my awful thoughts. After telling my tale to the water, I stood up.. and just as an explanation point to it all.. that song someone decided to play on the juke box from the resort (the back window was open) came pouring out..

CRAZY... I'm CRAZY FOR FEELIN' SO LONELY.....OH, I'M CRAZY....CRAZY FOR FEELING SOOOO BLUE...

This was our song. The song that we shared together one night, dancing closely in our living room... truly a mind crunching moment. It was as if that song held all of the feelings of US for the past many years we were together. It was over!

I got back in the car. And at that moment I knew I was not going to buy a shotgun. I was not going to rent a room. And I was NOT going to end my life.

The next CD in the bunch loaded into the car's CD changer, and it was ABBA's Greatest hits. As I tore out of the parking lot of Pickeral Point....and pointed the car South... I knew that I was going to heal. That I was going to find love again. That I was going to be okay...

The Song SOS played and I SCREAMED it at full volume, as I pointed the car back home again. All the way home, I listened to the best of ABBA. As I got closer to home, the songs from this CD spoke to me the same way the Bruce Springsteen songs spoke.

And I had the uncanny notion that an angel was riding back home with me then. I've had many such apparitions since....but for the first time, she was beautiful... she was light.... she was lifting my heart..

I knew I was going to be alright. And, eventually...... I was.

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find

I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind

Whatever happened to our love I wish I understood

It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me SOS

The love you gave me, nothing else can save me SOS

When you're gone How can I even try to go on

When you're gone Though I try how can I carry on

You seemed so far away though you were standing near

You made me feel alive, but something died I fear

I really tried to make it out I wish I understood

What happened to our love, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me SOS

The love you gave me, nothing else can save me SOS

When you're gone How can I even try to go on

When you're gone Though I try how can I carry on

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me SOS

And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me SOS

When you're gone How can I even try to go on

When you're gone Though I try how can I carry on

When you're gone How can I even try to go on

When you're gone Though I try how can I carry on

Drinking Anniversary

It's been 75 years since the end of Prohibition!!!

Have a drink on me...

Shame, Sadness, Happy eating and Thanksgiving… 2008

Well, Thanksgiving 2008 is over. Not sure how I feel at this moment. I feel pretty good that I actually made a turkey..a whole turkey and nothing but the turkey.. LOL. And it was pretty good. I also helped out with some good apple pie, and potatoes, corn, stuffing, and all the thanksgiving fixins’.

It was great that D- was there for me the whole time. Actually, the making of the pie on Wednesday evening was probably the best part of the whole thing. D- is probably not the sharpest tool in the shed (Then again, I have a suspicion, that neither am I), and her grasp of instructions when it comes to cooking leaves much to be desired. We spent a lot of time “faux arguing” about the crust of the pie… and the 3 different trips to Walmart (and one to the other grocery store) will go down as one of the most costly PIES in human existence!

Of course, the fact the more beer we consumed, the worst the directions got. Still, we managed to create said pie (sans flour all over us) in a record four hours. The directions said something like 45… of course, they don’t account for us mental retards…etc etc.

After the pie was baked and cooled, and the Turkey was put into the cold water for thawing…we sat down for a movie or two. It was very late when we headed to bed.

Upon waking the next day (hangover and all) I was still just a little upset that my son had not managed to call or show up as he said he was going to just two days before. He called and left a message on my cell phone saying he was going to be in on Wednesday night and staying until Friday.

I was so excited when I heard it about that, I told many of the people at work that my son was going to participate and stay part of the weekend with me. Low, here it was Thanksgiving morning and I had not heard a peep from said son. In fact, I left him a message at 3pm (just before we ate) and then later (after a power nap) to please contact me. He did call, but left no message… while D- and I were out to the movie.

We went to see “Bolt” at the theater in the Dells. It was a pretty good show. Still, no son. We went to “Kuhunaville” and had expensive cocktails and gossiped about the DJ (as he was one of J-'s “swinging conquests” all those years ago… “SHE slept with THAT?”) We stayed for the “extreme bartending” and then headed home.

Here it is, another day…and yet I have to hear from the boy. I’m sad and pretty angry about it all. I was so looking forward to seeing him after these many months. What exactly did I do? Was I an awful father??? You know, I’ll bet you that somewhere….June G. is laughing her head off….

Family….MY ASS. I’ll stick to being alone.

The Great Depression 2009 (Part III):

.... The only problem is, that the Chinese factory that you purchased is owned by the state and they have selected for you a “goodly” amount of workers that are willing to work at pennies a day… however, workmanship seems to be a big problem, as the watches now that are made there do not seem to work. Worse yet, the metal used to make the casings are lead-based (instead of steel) and not only are poisonous, but do not hold up to shipping across the sea. Whole shipments are refused and must be re-made, costing your company millions of dollars.

Meanwhile, Uncle John is having problems of his own. Silly thing, the market. What goes up must come down…but he forgot that one simple little rule. And now all those zero down, zero payments until next year are coming due…and oddly enough Mr. And Mrs. America (whose wages have not gone up in 5 straight years) cannot afford to even pay the interest accrued during those 12 payment-free months added on to the regular monthly payments. They cannot afford their mortgages and try to sell their homes…only to find that no one wants to buy them.

Some people that own the homes the Uncle John holds the Mortgages to have simply walked away from their homes, leaving them vacant. So now poor Uncle John is swimming in other peoples debts and cannot seem to sell a house to sell his soul. All this bad credit on his books does not allow him to concentrate on anything else.

Including the watch factory that had to somehow “eat” all those bad watches made in China. You have asked Uncle John for a loan to pay for those shipments of bad watches made in China…but Uncle John cannot afford to lend you a dime.

Add to that, the market suddenly seems saturated with people wearing watches, from you and your competition. Of course, you’ve concentrated so much on saving money and moving the operations overseas… you forgot to do something about new markets and new products (also known as Research and development….R&D). Now, is seems…all of a sudden people have stopped buying your watches. Added to that, is the fact that people are having a hard time making their own ends meet. Gasoline has skyrocketed, groceries have just cost more than you can believe… so, your little wrist watch thingys are just not as important. Sales drop like a lean balloon.

Because sales have dropped so dramatically, there is no way that you can keep your staff or your factory running. Not only that…but that nice house you were building is now going to have to wait, as you do not have the funds to build anything. You have to tell the builders you cannot meet your obligations. They get mad (after all, you signed a contract) and take you to court to get their money too.

Your property is sold to pay for the assets. You company has to shut down. You and your wife split.. (She only loved you because you were a success, after all.. let’s be honest here)… You end up living in an efficiency apartment in another town…as you had to take up a job. Of course, you have no skills other than running a damned business and building watches that no one wants anymore. So, now you work at McDonalds, and Menards, and cleaning rooms for some local cleaning company. Since none of these jobs are full time there are no medical benefits…. And that’s when you discover that you have brain cancer……

Uncle John had to go bankrupt and sell all of his assets to another bank… and now lives right next door to you in an efficiency apartment, hoping that his Rich Nephew’s passing will leave him enough money to start again (at the tender age of 59). Since he put all of his money into housing, he never bothered to worry about retirement. (don’t matter anyway, because the meager 401K plan he offered his own employees dried up when the stock market tanked last year).

So, do you like this story.. huh? Well, this is the story that is being played out all over our country even tonight. It’s a big pickle… and no one is really sure how to get out of it. Scarey… is it not? Yes, it is!