(Originally written February 11th, 2010) 

Maybe we should just give up now:  

  

You know, though I vowed to myself to watch and read less “news” in the new year…Yet, I find myself drawn to it like a fly to… well, you get the idea. I told myself, that news, especially “Hard” network news… is bad for the soul. It contributes to my overall angst, anger and complete confusion on our world today. I think of it, “the more I learn… the less I seem to know.”

Or as was put it in the old Black and White noir classic, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington… (Saunders): “I wonder Diz, if this Don Quixote hasn't got the jump on all of us. I wonder if it isn't a curse to go through life wised up like you and me.”

Or from The Beatles: “I read the news today…oh, boy…”

One of my good friends has suddenly gotten the political fever, and it’s intriguing how logic-be-damned, he sends out reams of demagoguery that leaves me just shaking my head. Then one of my other friends figuratively beats his logic over the head with some completely non-sensical non-logic demagoguery of his own. Two old men arguing about what color is the color of blue. (sigh)

But, it’s not just the political rancor that has me shaking my head in disgust. Murders, Mayhem, Sexual scandals, Blackmail, American Idol (isn’t there some sort of biblical commandment against worshiping idols? I’m just sayin’), Dancing with the (d-list) Stars, Global Warming, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Wars, Violence, Destruction, Distrust, unemployment, Tea Parties (don’t sound like much of a “party” to me, really), Drug overdoses, Mass murderers, Family murderers, Domestic abuse, Drug Abuse, Paparazzi abuse, natural disasters, man-made disasters, killing in the name of God, killing in the name of Allah, killing in the name of money, CEO’s that make too much money, people that will do anything for money, people that would do anything to get 15 minutes of fame on television, “reality” Television (an oxymoron…emphasis on the “moron”…  if ever there was one), the oil crisis, the climate crisis, the crisis in Haiti, the crisis in health care, the housing crisis, the unemployment crisis.

If I missed anything, I’m sorry..  but.. I think you get the idea. Today, I think I’ve finally met my final “news” limit with this story from CBS news dot com. It is simply titled “Chemicals in your foods that make you fat.”   There is a picture of green grapes on the page with the article.

Since I’ve been on this weight loss discovery, I have been inundated with thousands of suggestions, and I’ve been very (at least what I thought was) in tune to the best way to lose weight and live healthier. But, this article points out the near-impossibility of making sense of anything… any more than a Sarah Palin Presidency.

The chemicals sprayed on your fruits and vegetables are called (appropriately enough) obesogens. These chemicals sound like that evil side of Dr. Suesse’s worst nightmare. According to the article, these Obesogens can cause heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and high cholesterol. Wholly Crap!!! Huston, we’ve hit the mother load!

Why haven’t we heard about any of this before? Apparently, nothing is really safe from the chemicals. Apples, grapes, pears, oranges, Steaks, processed meats, anything in a can, anything in a plastic (PBA) bottle or container. Which is pretty much everything. Wholly hosanna!

So…okay in my endless searching for “Healthy eating” here’s what I’ve found…. “foodie experts” here we go………………..

• Bread: Bad.
• White Bread REALLY Bad.
• Flat Breads, still Bad.
• All non-organic fruits (apples, oranges, pears, grapes, and tomatoes), Bad.
• Celery and other leafy vegetables grown not grown in the U.S.
• Eggs, Bad.
• Eggs, Good.
• Nope, Eggs, Bad.
• Wait!! Egg whites okay… Egg yokes, Bad.
• Anything (and I mean anything) with white enriched flour, Bad.
• Fish, Good.
• Fish from Midwestern Lakes (laced with Mercury), Bad.
• Fish oil, Good.
• Fish oil..  ah, not so much. (Not if your on medications for cholesterol). 
• Hot dogs…. Very very bad!
• Hamburgers… no friggin’ way.. and certainly no cheese on them!
• Actually anything less than goat cheese, BAD BAD BAD!!!
• Milk (other than Soy Milk), Bad.
• Chocolate, Bad…unless it’s Dark Chocolate and then it’s GOOD 
• Any candies or sweets…Bad.
• Candy Bars (with or without chocolate)…Bad.
• Butter, Bad.
• Margarine, Good.
• Nope, Margarine Bad.
• Butter, Good.
• Nope.. neither one is any good.
• Sugar…  shaaaa.. like not. Ever. Ever. Nothing with sugar anywhere near it! 
• Salads, Good.
• Salads Dressings, Bad. (Anything you put on the salad is bad… so just go for the leaves… oh, and only the DARK GREEN LEAVES).  Don’t even ask about croutons (those are breads, remember?)
• Pizza… Bad. (no matter what it is!)
• Fast Food, Bad.
• Steaks, and any red meats… BAD.
• Chickens???? Have you seen how McChickens are killed and chopped and grated for our pleasure?? Urrrgggg..  yuck! BAD BAD BAD! 
• Mayonnaise, Bad. Sandwich dressing , Bad. (They suggest tofu to keep your sandwiches from being too dry… first, I don’t like tofu, and it’s don’t matter anyway.. cause your sandwich has bread, and cheese and processed meat… ALL BAD!)
• Alcohol, Bad.
• Alcohol (as in Red wine….good for your heart), Good.
• Alcohol (as in Beer…good for your bones), Good.
• I guess that means the Jägermeister is still up in the air.
• Water, Good.
• Water, in bottles, Bad.
• Water in PBA plastic bottles… VERY BAD!
• Any food in plastic containers, Bad.
• Any food in metal can containers, Bad.
• Any food in Jars, Good (how many of those are left?)
• Yogurt, good.
• Yogurt, Bad.
• Yogurt.. Dannon, Good. (Makes your colon regular… in short, makes you poop more)
• Yogurt… low fat, Still not so good.

I think that’s about it. Right? Whew! So, dear friends..  I’ve come to the conclusion that pretty much everything is bad. Which is why me and the other ogres in the swamp will be making a luscious swamp toad soup, fish eye tartar…. Tonight for dinner.

Oh, and as far as Ms. Palin goes? I hope she does make it to the presidency. From what I’ve seen recently, she’s the kind of president this country really deserves.

Bon Appétit